


Harry Potter: The Boy Who Lived to Shag

by Julia_Fractal



Series: Harry Potter Works [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Implied/Referenced Sex, Lovingly poking fun at some fanfic tropes, M/M, Multi, Parody, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21878941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julia_Fractal/pseuds/Julia_Fractal
Summary: A comedic take on Harry Potter paired up with just about every male character in canon.*~*~*Harry/DracoDraco: “Potter, all my life I’ve been suffocating under the weight of my father’s expectations and struggling to free myself from the darkness in my soul. But your bravery has shown me the error of my old ways.  From now on I shall devote my life to defeating the Dark Lord, combating anti-Muggle prejudice, and making the world safe for blibbering humdingers and puppies.”Harry: “I don't believe you.”Draco: “Alright, alright, the real reason I switched sides was because I heard you were dynamite in the sack. Now can we please get on with it?”[Sex]*~*~*
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Fred Weasley/George Weasley, Harry Potter/Other(s), Harry Potter/Ron Weasley, Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy/Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom/Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/Harry Potter, Sirius Black/Harry Potter
Series: Harry Potter Works [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1486481
Comments: 24
Kudos: 199





	Harry Potter: The Boy Who Lived to Shag

**Author's Note:**

> *This was originally written before the release of the Half Blood Prince book (Yes, _that_ long ago!) and was only available via my now-defunct Livejournal. Thought I'd share it here alongside my other fics, please enjoy!

* * *

  
**Harry/Draco**

  
Draco: “Potter, all my life I’ve been suffocating under the weight of my father’s expectations and struggling to free myself from the darkness in my soul. But your bravery has shown me the error of my old ways. From now on I shall devote my life to defeating the Dark Lord, combating anti-Muggle prejudice, and making the world safe for blibbering humdingers and puppies!”  
  
Harry: “I don't believe you.”  
  
Draco: “Alright, alright, the real reason I switched sides was because I heard you were dynamite in the sack. Now can we please get on with it?”  
  
[Sex]

* * *

**Harry/Ron**

  
Harry: “Hey, Ron?”  
  
Ron: “Yeah?”  
  
Harry: “Wanna shag?”  
  
Ron: “Sure.”  
  
[Sex]

* * *

**Harry/Fred/George**

Fred (nibbling Harry’s ear): “Do you know why we like you best?”  
  
Harry: “Is it because I’m courageous, loyal, and -- oh yes, just like that George -- have great stamina?”  
  
George (flicking Harry’s nipple): “Nope, guess again.”  
  
Harry: “Um, because I just turned eighteen and yet I'm miraculously acne-free?”  
  
Fred: “No! It’s because you…”  
  
George: “…are the only one,”  
  
Fred: “…who could ever tell us apart.”  
  
[Sex]

* * *

  
**Harry/Neville**

  
Harry: “See, there’s this bond between us. The Prophecy could have applied to you too, and had Voldemort decided to confront your family instead of mine, you would be the one with the fate of the Wizarding World resting on your shoulders. So I think you’d understand better than anyone else why… actually, I don’t see how this leads to my next point, but wanna shag?”  
  
Trevor the Toad: *Ribbit*  
  
Neville: “Okay.”  
  
[Sex]

* * *

**Harry/Diary!Tom Riddle**

  
Harry writes: “Do you know anything about ~~the Chamber of Secrets?~~ , the male G-spot?”  
  
 _Yes._  
  
Harry: “BDSM?”  
  
 _Yes._  
  
Harry: “Rimming, _Bukkake_ , and Tantric sex?”  
  
 _Of course._  
  
Harry: “Can you tell me about it?”  
  
 _Why don’t I show you instead?_  
  
[Sex]

* * *

**Harry/Remus**

  
Remus: “Harry, I truly care for you, but I’m concerned that you might be using our relationship as a misguided attempt to find a father substitute.”  
  
Harry: “Nah, I’m mostly in it for the raunchy pre-full moon sex.”  
  
Remus: “Oh, alright then.”  
  
[Sex]

* * *

**Harry/Sirius**

  
Harry: “Look, I’m not my father. If we become lovers, I won’t think you’re trying to use me to resurrect the closeness you once shared with your dead best friend.”  
  
Sirius: “That’s all very well, but am _I_ alive or dead?”  
  
Harry: “Does it matter?”  
  
[Sex]

* * *

**Harry/Snape**

  
Harry: “Look, I’m not my father, and you don’t have to hate me anymore!”  
  
Snape: “Believe me Potter, I have abundant reasons to loathe you for yourself.”  
  
Harry: “Oh. Well then…”  
  
Snape: “But that doesn’t mean we can’t shag.”  
  
[Sex]

* * *

**Har** **ry/Lucius**

  
Harry: “Oh God!”  
  
Lucius (fingers cat o’ nine tails lovingly): “Excellent. I see that you’ve already discovered one of my favourite forms of address.”  
  
Harry: *gulps*  
  
[Kinky non-con sex]

* * *

  
**Harry/Voldemort**

  
Voldemort: “Because I am a ~~moron~~ devious and cruel evil overlord, I shall not kill you. Instead, you will be permitted to live a life of utter degradation as a plaything for myself and my minions.”  
  
Harry: “Do you still remember all those pervy tricks from when you were Tom Riddle?”  
  
Voldemort: “Yessss… and I’ve trained all of my Death Eaters as well.”

Harry: "Oh my..."  
  
[Kinky non-con group sex]

* * *

  
**Harry/Dumbledore/Hagrid/Filch/Moody/Crabbe/Goyle/Mundungus Fletcher/Giant Squid/The Kitchen Sink**

  
Author: Let’s not go there.

* * *

  
**Harry/The Half-Blood Prince***

  
HBP: “But you don’t know anything about me yet!”  
  
Harry: “JKR has already confirmed that we’re not the same person, and that’s good enough for me.”  
  
[Sex]

* * *


End file.
